You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.