LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
.. do you even science?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Breakfast for Stoners:
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.