Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider