Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
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My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.