I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Tremendous stuff
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.