Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
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Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.