[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
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me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really