I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
couldn’t resist
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
They’re stuck in your pants?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes