The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
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1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
me, after any kind of buffet.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.