COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Breaking news:
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
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My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.