St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
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My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex