People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
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* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Good morning.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!