Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
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“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
The 6 types of sex
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.