“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
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For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.