A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
You Might Also Like
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.