Social Media and Real life
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*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.