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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.