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Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I cannot stop laughing at this