Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
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Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.