me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
You Might Also Like
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Received some very disappointing news today
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested