[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
This 4th of July, please remember…
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Print is alive and well!!!
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake