Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
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Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Thrilling chase underway
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Meow
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.