Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.