him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You Might Also Like
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering