My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to