publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
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Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.