A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
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The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H