When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
You Might Also Like
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.