2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi