My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
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ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.