Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
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WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink