My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
why isn’t he texting back
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.