Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me too 😆
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl