Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
*checks Timeline*…
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”