The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
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since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.