‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
From my Mom
Wednesday
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!