Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
You Might Also Like
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Oh thanks BBC.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?