Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
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*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.