When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
You Might Also Like
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be