There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
You Might Also Like
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
💯😂
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
He wanted to make sure😂
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.