Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
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ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts