“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102