*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
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[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs