“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Squash
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.