Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
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*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms