Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
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Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
No laws when master is gone
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.