Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
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contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days