I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
You Might Also Like
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
im 7 sauces long
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Employees must applaud the planets.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears