me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
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Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day