With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
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Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My dream job is getting paid to dream